


Truer Love

by posingasme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 22:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4279812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean realizes he and Sam are both in love with their angel when Castiel comes to him for advice. </p><p>Prompt fill for fic exchange! Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Truer Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bookishgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookishgirl/gifts).



For Dean, it must have happened sometime between Castiel explaining why he "couldn't help" when Sam was receiving his visit from Lilith, and discovering the angel had been lost after his confrontation with Raphael. But he had not realized how much the loss had cut him until he had recreated the banishing sigil to blow Zachariah and his goons to who knows where. His friend Cas had taught him that.

His friend Cas.

Dean had focused on Sam, and the End was nigh, so there did not seem to be much point in or any time for truly grieving his friend's demise. But the ache had been there, buried under anger and fear and adrenaline.

Then Castiel had appeared, ready to face Raphael again, and it had taken Dean's breath away how his guardian angel was a warrior to the end, willing to not just encounter the archangel that had destroyed him, but planned to summon and interrogate him. The badass way the guy had leaned in to call Raphael his little bitch had made Dean's chest swell with pride. Had Castiel been inclined to ask him, Dean probably would have been willing to jump him right then, and take care of that pesky virginity in front of the archangel. Just thinking of that made him smirk. Raphael scandalized as Castiel took on Michael's vessel. It could have been a lovely way for them to have died.

Then events had happened so fast. He had gone to Lisa, and loved her and Ben with all his broken heart, but had never been able to drown his grief over Sam or his ache for Castiel. Then when the world was threatened yet again, this time by Eve and her monster kids, and Sam's soul was missing, Dean had lost track of Castiel's desperation to keep Raphael from restarting the Apocalypse. By the time he realized what was going on, he was too hurt by Castiel's deception to think straight. And when the bastard had broken Sam's wall? Dean had been devastated. He still had tried to reach Castiel, to tell him it could still be fixed. But the Castiel he had known and loved was gone.

Then there was Emanuel, and thirty-one flavors of crazy Castiel, and then...then there was Purgatory.

It was the first time Dean had been forced to think more about his relationship with Castiel than with Sam. There was nothing he could do for Sam in that gray world, but Castiel...He could find Castiel. He had no way of knowing how long he had been alone before Benny had appeared. But Dean had spent every minute, even in the passion of combat, craving contact with his angel. The loss was tearing at him. He had just gotten him back! And now he was gone again, somewhere in this not-quite-Hell, and Dean was going to find him. He would not leave without him.

It had probably happened sometime between Castiel explaining why he could not help Dean stop Sam from negotiating with Lilith, and the moment when he learned Raphael had destroyed the angel. But once he realized he was in love with the angel, there was nothing he could do about it. Hester had claimed that Castiel was lost from the moment he had laid his hand on Dean in Hell. Maybe that was so. Dean had been lost since the first time he thought he might never see those expressive blue eyes again. But he had never said a word.

So now that those eyes were on him, and his heart was splintering into shrapnel inside his chest, he could not help but think this was probably just what he deserved.

"Dean? You aren't speaking, and that's rare for you. I'm confused. I thought you might be able to provide some advice."

He swallowed with difficulty. "I guess I...don't understand."

Castiel sighed in frustration. "Your brother has revealed that he has feelings for me. In a...romantic sort of way. He said he couldn't bring himself to tell me, and had me read his thoughts regarding his feelings for me. His feelings are quite intense. I don't know exactly what to do with this information."

A lifetime of denying his own heart's desires gave him the strength he needed now. "Okay. Okay, I, um, I didn't know he, uh, felt like that. What do you think you want to do with it?" he said hoarsely.

Castiel considered. He chewed at his lip, then looked up again. Dean wished he would stop looking at him entirely. "I have loved your brother for quite some time now. Ever since I took on his madness, his grief and fear. It allowed me to see him at his basest level, and I was unable to articulate how I felt before, but I'm certain now. I love Sam."

Dean's lungs were refusing to take in a breath. He was beginning to feel lightheaded. "Good. Good, then...then what do you need me for?"

Castiel stared up at him without mercy. "Because I've loved you far longer."

Now the lungs were overwhelmed with a sharp intake of breath through his nose, and he flinched. His eyes burned with tears, his throat closed tight. But he shook his head, and some part of him which was not yet dying spoke for him. "No, Cas. We are friends. You know that. Just...friends."

Castiel nodded very slowly. "Dean, will you allow me to see into your mind as Sam did?"

Panic was setting in. He had given up on ever breathing normally again. "No!" he snapped. "No, what-what good would that do?"

The tip of Castiel's pink tongue darted out to wet his lips, and Dean's whole body ached with the desire to do that for him with his own tongue. "It would help me." The voice was quiet but firm.

Dean sighed in defeat. It would take too much energy to fight now. He gave a shaky smile. "No, Cas," he whispered, and this time he did not bother masking his grief. "No. You don't need to do that. I've been in love with you since Lucifer crawled out of the ground, Cas. Maybe...maybe since the first moment you recognized that I didn't believe I deserved to be saved. You don't need to climb around in my head, Cas. That's what's in there." His long lashes betrayed him by allowing a rogue tear to escape down his cheek.

Castiel nodded again. "Why wouldn't you tell me so?"

He tried to laugh, and sobbed instead. "Why? Because you're an angel, you jackass! Because you're Castiel! Because..." He took a deep breath and pushed forward. "Because you deserve someone like my brother. Someone who still..." Another sob caught in his throat. "Someone who knows how to love someone. There's nobody in the world who can give you more than Sam can. He loves more fiercely than anyone I've ever met. If he says he loves you, Cas, then...then you are the luckiest creature in this universe. There's nothing my kid brother can't do for someone he loves. I know."

The blue eyes searched his. "You believe Sam can offer more in a relationship."

At least he could respond genuinely. "Yes. I think Sam will always be the better man between us. Cas, I won't lie to you. It's kind of killing me to say this. But it's just true. Sam...He's the only person I would ever want for you. You deserve the best, and...and that's Sam." Finally, his heart shattered completely, and he let the tears wash over him without bothering to try to stop them. He was never going to recover from this. His heart would never forgive the damage he was doing. But at least he would know he had done the right thing for all of them. "Cas, I can tell just looking at your eyes. You love him more anyway. Maybe you loved me longer. I'll always be proud of that. But you love him more. And that's all right."

The eyes were sad now, and Castiel seemed to be experiencing at least a fraction of the pain that was going on in Dean's own chest. "It doesn't seem right. Dean, it doesn't seem right to you."

Dean stilled his tears and his trembling by force of will. "No. It wouldn't be right to any of us for you to settle for me out of some sense of loyalty. I would always know, Cas. I'd always know it's my brother you truly want."

"I would be happy with you, Dean."

He smiled gratefully, but his green eyes were sad. "Would you be happier with Sam, Cas?" The angel needed to say it as much as Dean needed to hear it said.

"I...I think so." Castiel nodded helplessly. "I'm so sorry, Dean. If I had known years ago, maybe...But now? I think so."

He reached for Castiel and held him in a crushing embrace. It would never really be appropriate for him to do so again. Not now that he knew Sam loved their angel, and Castiel knew Dean did too. This last time, he was going to indulge, to pretend for just an instant that Castiel had said no, that Dean was what he wanted. He touched their foreheads together, and made himself smile through the pain.

"It's all right, Cas," he soothed. "I promise it's all right. Look, do something for me. Okay?"

"Anything, Dean."

The sincerity in the angel's deep voice made it even harder to find his words. "Cas, don't ever tell Sam how I felt. Okay? Never tell him I loved you, or that you ever..." He choked, then pushed the rest out. "Never tell him you ever cared for me. I don't want you to lie to him, Cas, not about anything. But please. Just this one thing. It would hurt him to know, and there's no reason for that. You understand?"

"I think I do. Dean...will you be all right with this? With seeing me with your brother?"

He stepped back finally. "Yeah. It's going to hurt like a bitch, man, but I want you to make my little brother happy. He deserves that. He's earned that. And so have you."

"What about you, Dean?"

His smile was soft and salty with tears, but it was sincere. "I've never wanted anything more than I want that kid to be safe and happy. And I want that for you too. So don't worry about me. I'm content so long as you two look out for one another."

"We will. I promise you that. Thank you, Dean. You will always be my first love, even if I have moved on."

The green eyes closed. "Go talk to Sam. He's probably eating his heart out right now waiting for your response."

"Thank you again, Dean."

And then the angel was gone, off to find his truer love, and Dean was alone again. The only sound in the room was his heart screaming at him, loathing him for doing what he knew was right. But he was used to that. At least that pain was familiar. He would use it as Sam had used the pain in his wounded palm to banish the Devil from his mind. Dean would rely on his pain and self-hatred to get him through until finally he couldn't feel anything anymore. He looked forward to that day.


End file.
